


What the Hell! 5B Parody

by zoe19blink



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-05-29 09:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6368590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoe19blink/pseuds/zoe19blink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Also on ff.net,  but I decided to post here, too. It's basically a parody of 5B, which I started before it aired. Not really for angsty CS-lovers, 'cause I'm a Swanfire girl, but maybe for CSers with a sense of humor, and generally anyone rolling their eyes. OR as a very disgruntled CSer described it: "Everybody is awesome except Emma and Hook, and every character and scene is used by the author to bash them. Neal is most super special, precious woobie, who ever ;no nuance, no subtlety."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hades frowned at the coffee dregs in his cup. “Hey, somebody!” he called, leaning his head back against his throne (well, okay, _armchair,_ but it had much better lumbar support than that throne of baby animal skulls he used to have). “I’m outta coffee here!”

“Coming, my Dark Master!” a squeaky voice said, and a spindly little man came scurrying forward with a coffee pot.

“Thank you, Clarence.”

“You’re welcome, sir. Oh, I have your—” Clarence pulled out a scroll, giving it a little shake—“itinerary.”

Hades waved a lazy hand, sipping his coffee. Clarence immediately unfurled the scroll, and cleared his throat.

“Charon has filed another complaint regarding his uniform—”

“Tell him to suck it up. Next?”

“Cerberus has fleas—”

“Make an appointment for him, he needs a prescription. Next?”

“You’ve got another ‘Recently Dead’ coming in,” Clarence said, frowning at the scroll. “A Mr. Killian Jones.”

“Who?”

“Also goes by ‘Captain Hook’.”

“ _Oh…_ Really, Captain Hook?” Hades twisted around, raising his eyebrows. “He’s rescheduled, what, four times now? Five?”

“He’s been marked as an RD for quite some time now, sir,” Clarence agreed, bobbing his head. “But he keeps running off.”

“Unprofessional,” Hades tsked, shaking his head. “So, when is he coming in?”

“Any time now, sir,” Clarence replied, raising his eyes to the ceiling. As if on cue, a small hole in the ceiling whirred open, and a body dropped through it; Hades and Clarence followed with their eyes as the man fell through the air and landed on the dusty ground below. 

“Thank you, Charon,” Hades called up.

“This uniform is itchy! I’m not paying for it!” Charon shouted back before the ceiling closed again. Hades rolled his eyes dismissively, taking another sip of coffee. 

“All right, up you get,” he said, motioning for the man to stand up. “Captain Hook, I take it?”

“Killian Jones,” he grunted, pushing himself to a stand. “I go by ‘Killian Jones’ now.”

“Like I care.”

Jones looked around at the dusty cavern, scowling at the curling flames and sparking embers. “Where the hell am I?” he growled.

Hades and Clarence frowned, exchanging a look. “We don’t tolerate puns here,” Hades said sternly, straightening in his armchair. “This may be Hell, but that’s no excuse for bad comedy.”

Jones stared at him in disbelief. “I’m in Hell?”

“Don’t take it personally, everyone ends up here,” Hades said, flicking a stray ember off his robes. 

“I’m really dead?”

“Oh, very.” Hades smiled coolly at Jones’s horrorstruck face. “Tends to happen when you—help me out here, Clarence.”

“‘ _Stabbed with Excalibur by his short-term girlfriend, Emma Swan. Much blood and general ickiness accompanying death.”_

“Yes, tends to happen when you have all _that_ happen to you.”

Jones opened his mouth wordlessly, gaping at him. Hades took another sip of coffee, and dabbed his mouth with a napkin. 

“I’m a survivor, though,” Jones said numbly. 

Hades swallowed, exhaling loudly. “Not anymore.”

“But Emma and I are supposed to be together forever.”

“Two months, forever—” Hades shrugged. “Same difference, really.”

“And if I may say,” Clarence piped up, “seeing as Emma is the one who stabbed you, don’t you think that would put a kibosh on the relationship?”

“Good point, Clarence,” Hades nodded.

“She only did that, so we could destroy the Darkness, once and for all!” Jones said fiercely. “I sacrificed myself, for her and her family!”

Clarence tittered. “ _Destroy the Darkness,_ ” he said, elbowing Hades. “So dramatic!”

“Diva,” Hades sniggered, elbowing him back. They laughed, much to Jones’s fury.

“I _did!_ ” he insisted.

“No, no, no, of _course,_ you did,” Hades said patronizingly. “You put a stop to your own evil plan, well done.”

“A true hero,” Clarence choked, emerging red-faced from his hands. A smile tugged at his mouth, and he bit down hard to keep from laughing. “Inspiring.”

“We’re going to build you a temple, you know,” Hades said seriously. 

“We can sell T-shirts.”

“And action figures.”

“Wallpaper.”

“China patterns.”

“Bobbleheads.”

“Would you like that?” Hades asked, grinning at the darkening look on Jones’s face. The pirate pointed fiercely at him.

“Emma _will_ come to save me,” he warned. “If you think she’s going to simply accept this and move on, you’ve got another thing coming! We’re True Love!”

“Gross.”

“We _are._ ”

“Remind me, Clarence, do we give a flying fuck about True Love in the Underworld?”

Clarence pretended to check his scroll. “Mmmm….nope. No, we are fresh out of fucks to give, sir.”

Hades snapped his fingers in mock regret. “Damn! Oh, I’m terribly sorry, Captain, but I guess you’re going to have to reconcile yourself to living in Hell. It’s not so bad, once you get used to it. Paying for air conditioning is a nightmare, but luckily, I’m also the god of riches, so it evens out.”

“But Emma—”

“Killed you in the first place, which I find _highly_ amusing,” Hades interrupted smoothly. “Have a nice day, Captain.”

He pulled the lever on the side of his armchair, and the floor opened up Jones’s feet; he let out a yell, his voice echoing and fading as he dropped through to join the rest of the milling souls below. Hades laughed, closing the floor back up. “I love it when they scream like that.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

“You’re going to hell?”

“The _Underworld._ ”

“Big fucking difference!” Snow exclaimed, throwing her hands up. “Jesus Christ, Emma—this is literally the third time he’s died! _Take a hint!_ ”

Emma shook her head. “I’m getting him back,” she said, holding back a sob. “It isn’t fair to Killian—”

“Okay, can I make a request?” Henry cut in, holding up his hand. “Can we stop with the ‘Killian’ bullshit already? I can’t take that name seriously.”

“Yeah, no, I’m not going to call him ‘Killian’ either,” Regina agreed. “Tried it—it’s just weird.”

Emma closed her eyes, turning her head away as another sob threatened to overcome her. “Everything he thought he was doing was a lie. Gold tricked us—”

“And that warrants a trip to _hell?_ ” Snow scoffed.

“Not _hell,_ ” Emma said, sounding a little more irritable. “The _Underworld._ ”

“Oh, excuse me.”

“Emma, you know how this works,” David said sternly. “It’s a one-for-one trade. Someone else will have to die.”

“So we’ll use Robin,” Emma said impatiently. “He’s not doing anything.”

Robin looked around in alarm. “What?”

“We’re not using Robin,” Regina said, putting a protective hand on his shoulder. “Who’s going to hold my purse?”

“And you just got back from being the Dark One!” Snow said exasperatedly. “You can’t give into darkness again! Remember what happened last time? You were a total dick to everyone!”

“I won’t,” Emma said passionately. She touched her fingers to the hideous ring that hung from her neck (probably ripped it off some dead homeless guy, they’d all agreed). “I’m giving into love.”

There were a few moments of silence, during which everyone struggled to absorb the words that had just come out of Emma’s mouth.

“I-I’m sorry,” Henry said, laughing disbelievingly. “You’re giving into love….yet all the people you love are in this is apartment, begging you not to make us go with you to drag the raggedy pirate’s ass back up from hell—excuse me, _the Underworld?”_

Emma thought for a moment. “I’m giving into hormones,” she amended. 

“There it is,” Regina muttered. 

“Is anyone going to talk about the one-for-one trade thing?” David asked loudly.

“Or the fact that we’ve got small children to take care of?” Robin added.

“Or the fact that I really don’t want to do this?” Henry piped up.

“It can work,” Emma insisted, ignoring all of them. She looked at her parents softly. “You two share a heart…So will we.”

Snow frowned. “That only worked because we’re True Love.”

“Hell yeah, we are,” David grinned, giving her a high-five.

“Killian is my—”

“Okay, I’m just going to stop you there, before you embarrass yourself and everyone in this room,” Henry said, holding up a hand. 

“I’ve got a baby to take care of!” Robin said wildly. “Is no one else concerned about this? I’ve got a toddler, I’ve got a baby— _they’ve_ got a baby—” he flung his hand out at Snow and David. “No! No, I’m putting my foot down on this one! The only way, you’re going to get me to go to hell—yes, yes, _the Underworld!_ ” he snapped as Emma opened her mouth. “The only way you’re getting me down there, is if we’re going to get Neal!”

“Dude, we should _so_ get Neal!” David gasped, fist-bumping Robin.

“Hey, I’m up for getting Neal!” Regina said, adding her fist to theirs. 

“Someone’s got to make the pun, so I’m going to say, _‘Hells, yeah!’”_ Snow said excitedly she and Henry joined their fists to the others’.

“And I’ll get Killian,” Emma said dreamily.

“Yeah, good with luck that. Anyways—” Regina clapped her hands together. “Let’s go find some poor shuck who has no reason whatsoever to live anymore, drag him to hell—sorry, the Underworld—and trade him for Neal, who is awesome in all things.”

“Thank you for addressing the one-for-one trade thing,” David said, inclining his head. “I was worried we were going to have to have a dilemma in which one of us would have to sacrifice ourselves for Neal. Because you know, he’s too decent to allow someone else to do that for him.”

“I’ll get Killian, and then I can stare at his face,” Emma sighed vacantly. “All day long.”

“Ignore her,” Henry said, rolling his eyes. “Let’s hurry up and get out of here, before we all become infected by her stupid.”

“I’m still worried about the babies,” Robin said, following at David’s heels as he led the group out. “I think before we do anything else, we need to have a long discussion and make arrangements for the well-being of our children. And probably research on what we may be encountering. I hate making split-second decisions like this, it’s just asking for disaster.”

“We’ll go to my office and make some phone calls,” Regina promised. “Someone should also probably tell the rest of the town what’s going on, since they all got nearly destroyed by a shit ton of Dark Ones.”

“I’ll take care of that,” David’s voice called from down the hall. 

“Responsibility,” Henry said, nudging Emma as he passed her. “Take notes.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Hook, I will find you,” Emma repeated for the seventh time since they’d climbed into Charon’s ferry. “I will always find you.”

Regina slid her eyes over to David, exchanging a disdainful look with him. _Your daughter’s a fucking idiot,_ she mouthed.

_I know._

Henry shifted his gaze around the dark, cold cavern, flinching as a few icy drops of the Styx (which somehow ran through Maine?) sprayed in his face. Charon stood at the bow of the ferry, draped under a heavy, hooded cloak. It was good for atmosphere, but Henry couldn't help wondering how functional dragging that thing around really was: his sleeves kept getting caught, twisting around the paddle, and he kept tripping over the hem.

“God _damn_ this thing!” Charon swore, tossing down the paddle to roll up his sleeves. “I can’t fucking row like this! HADES, YOU BASTARD, I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS UNIFORM!”

Henry leaned over the side to see who he was talking to, but all he saw was a circle opening up in the floor, accompanied by the sound of gears clicking and whirring. 

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing as the growing hole in the floor revealed (yet another) cavern, though from what he could tell, he was actually looking through the _ceiling_ of the large, dusty room beneath. Little fires erupted here and there, and in the center there was a huge armchair with a tall, suited man draped over the side of it.  Henry squinted, trying to get a better look.

“Is that the Underworld?” he asked, crinkling his brow. 

“It’s the lobby,” Charon growled. He turned around to the group at large, clapping his hands together. “All right, assholes, we’re here. Now there’s one, two, three…” He counted heads, moving his lips silently as he pointed from Henry to Rumple in the far back (who’d been dragged along against his will, because apparently Emma had some dirt on him), plus Leroy, who they’d brought along to exchange for Neal’s soul. “So, that’s eight of you. Two drachma for each, so that’s a sixteen-drachma-fee, and have a nice day.”

They all exchanged awkward looks, except for Emma, who was still staring vacantly into space. 

“Er…” Rumple coughed into his fist. “We don’t exactly _have_ drachma. I can pay you in American money, though. How does twenty bucks sound?”

Charon glowered. “The hell am I supposed to do with that?”

“Okay, okay—fifty bucks.”

“That’s not the currency here!” Charon shouted. “I can’t pay for stuff in American cash!”

“Damn it,” Rumple swore. “I always forget about the currency exchange. Look, I’m sure we can reach some kind of agreement, right? How about, you take the money as collateral, and as soon as we come back, we’ll sort out that drachma thingy, okay?”

Charon scratched his chin, considering. “You’re making a return trip?”

“Oh, yeah,” Rumple said, pulling out his wallet. “So, that’s another sixteen drachma for you. Thirty-two drachma—”

“Thirty-four,” Emma corrected with a frown. “We’ll have Hook with us.”

“Yes, but I already explained to you, dearie. You can’t just _bring him back_ with you. It’s an exchange. Eight of us walk in, eight of us walk out.”

“Unless _nine_ of us walk out,” Emma insisted. “I’m Emma Swan. I’m the Savior. That means, I can do whatever I want. If I want to make another Dark One, I fucking do it. If I want to reforge Excalibur and use it to fulfill, like, five different prophecies, I fucking do it.”

“Okay, but _basic math_ is not something you can negotiate, sweetheart,” Rumple said irritably. “If you still have a problem with it, take it up with Aristotle. We might bump into him, while we’re down here.”

“True Love’s Kiss can break any curse,” Emma declared. “Even basic math.”

“Leave it, Grandpa,” Henry said as Rumple opened his mouth exasperatedly. “She’s not even on our team, we’re just giving her a ride.”

“Speaking of—” Charon jutted his thumb. “You guys gotta get going. Got a lotta dead people to pick up, so  skedaddle.”

“Oh, real quick before we—er— _skedaddle—_ ” Robin pulled his phone out his inside jacket pocket. “How’s the reception down here? I’ve left my two young children with the nuns, and I’d like to keep in touch with them, so they know Daddy’s coming back soon.”

Snow and David nodded emphatically, pulling out their own phones.

“Why would you make a trip to the Underworld, if you’ve got small children to take care of?” Charon frowned. “I mean, reception’s pretty good and everything, but still… that’s kind of a shitty thing for parents to do.”

“Oh, pfft—” Snow waved her hand, scoffing. “It’s okay—we weren't winning any medals anytime soon.”

“Not the best parents,” David admitted with a shrug. “We sent the last one through a portal, and you saw how _she_ turned out.”

“This is a critical attachment period for young children, though,” Charon argued. “Your kids are going to grow up feeling unloved and unwanted, craving your affection and feeling like they’re never good enough. Didn't you read the Ainsworth studies? Or what about the Harlow studies? Both have extremely good support that young children need to be around their parents, to develop psychological stability—”

“Okay, blah blah blah!” Snow said loudly, holding up her hand. “We’ve got an adventure to get started on!”

“Yeah, come on, man, what’s with the lecture?” David scoffed. 

Charon stared at them, openmouthed. “ _Wow…_ ” he said slowly. “You guys are the worst parents I’ve ever seen. No _wonder_ you’re going to Hell. Assholes.”

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 _Thud!_ “Oomph!” 

 _Thud!_ “Oomph!” 

 _Thud!_ “Oomph!”

 _Thud!_ “Oomph!”

Hades dragged his eyes away from his copy of _Eat, Pray, Love_ as the rest of the heroes dropped to the ground. “Afternoon,” he said lazily, watching them slowly push themselves to a stand and brush dirt off their hands and knees. He pushed the intercom button on the arm of his chair. “Hey, Clarence, got a couple more RD’s for you to register.”

There was some static, then Clarence voice chirped back, “Right-o, sir. On my way.”

“Thank you, Clarence.” Hades looked up, noticing the heroes’ stunned expressions. “Had it installed last night,” he explained, gesturing vaguely at the intercom button. “Any excuse to use it, you know?”

“Where’s Killian?” the blonde woman demanded, clenching her hands into fists. The other heroes exchanged embarrassed looks and shifted away from her, avoiding Hades’ quizzical gaze. “Where is he?” the woman said in ringing tones. “I _will_ find him!”

Hades put a finger to his lips, then pointed as Clarence came scurrying through the door, a rapidly unfurling scroll bouncing around his feet. 

“Sorry, milord,” Clarence panted, doubling over to catch his breath. “There was a…situation with the…shit, I’m out of shape.”

“Never mind that, Clarence. Can you take care of these…?” Hades waved his hand, going back to his book.

“Well, that’s the thing, sir,” Clarence said, adjusting his glasses. “We haven't had any more RD’s, so I’m not entirely sure who these people are.”

Hades exhaled irritably, tossing down his book. “I’m just going to rent the movie,” he decided, swinging his legs in front of him to sit up in his seat. “I can’t read two paragraphs without getting interrupted. Okay—“ he clapped his hands together, looking expectantly at the heroes. “What’s up?”

“Where’s Killian?” the blonde repeated fiercely. 

Hades frowned, turning his head. “Clarence, help me out here.”

“Not sure, sir,” Clarence said, running his scroll through his fingers. “We’ve had so many people come in…sorry, miss, do you have a last name?”

“Um—“ the blonde blinked. “Jones. Killian Jones.”

“Sounds familiar.” Hades leaned over his chair to look at Clarence’s list. “There’s a Jones, is that him?”

“No, sir, that’s ‘Davy Jones’.”

“Oh. Any relation?”

“You’d think, wouldn't you? But no…No, I believe _this_ is our man.” Clarence tilted the scroll toward him. “See? Also goes by—“

“ _Captain Hook,”_ Hades said with him, laughing. “Yeah, I remember that guy! With the—“

“—yeah, yeah,” Clarence snickered, nodding his head. “Oh, he was a riot, wasn't he?”

“He was, he really was. So, that makes you—“ Hades pointed at the blonde, grinning—“Emma, right?”

“Yes, I…how did you know? You spoke to him?”

“Oho, did we ever,” Hades chuckled, elbowing Clarence. 

“Well, where is he?” Emma said wildly, looking around as if expecting to see signs pointing her in the right direction. 

“And that makes you guys the rest of the family, eh?” Hades beamed at the others, completely ignoring Emma. “Let’s see…David and Mary Margaret…Robin…Regina…Rumpletstiltskin, you old bastard, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” Rumple smiled, waving a hand. “Clarence, how’s your mother?”

“Still a raging bitch, sir, thanks for asking,” Clarence said politely. 

“And then we’ve got Leroy—oh, poor Leroy, they probably only brought you along to carry the bags, didn't they? And… _Henry._ ” Hades smiled, sitting back in his seat as he considered the boy. “Henry, Henry, Henry…”

Henry swallowed, looking nervous back at him. “Yes?”

“You are _fucking_ tall for a thirteen-year-old.”

Henry’s expression cleared. “Yeah, I get that a lot,” he said flatly. 

“But what _really_ baffles me is—“ Hades smacked his lips, raising his eyes questioningly to the heavens—“why you all agreed to travel to _Hell,_ of all places, on a rescue mission for Captain Whore? Sorry, I meant, Captain Whore.”

“You said ‘Whore’ twice, sir.”

“Right you are, Clarence. Now then—” Hades raised his eyebrows at the heroes—“somebody answer my question, and make it snappy before I lose interest and go back to _Eat, Pray, Love.”_

“We’re not here for Hook,” Regina said, stepping forward. “Emma is, but we’re not. We’re here for Neal.”

“Neal…” Hades frowned, stroking his chin. “Can you be more specific?”

“Neal Cassidy,” Henry said, joining his mother. “Also known as ‘Baelfire’. My father.”

“My son,” Rumple said quietly.

“My friend,” Robin added.

“Emma’s first love,” Snow said sadly.

“Her true love,” David sniffed.

“A really nice guy,” Leroy put in. 

“And the whole reason for my Dark Curse in the first place,” Regina sighed. “God, he just fit so perfectly into everyone’s lives… And he died, sacrificing himself for us.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “Now, that’s one solid dude.”

Hades blinked rapidly. “Clarence?” he said in a trembling voice, holding out his hand. “I need your hanky.”

“Yes, sir.” Clarence whipped out his handkerchief and fluttered it into his hand; Hades dabbed his eyes carefully, sniffing.

“That was beautiful,” he told them tearfully. “I still don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“The point is, we want him back,” Henry said. “We want to bring him back to the living world.”

“Well, I’m sorry, kiddo, but it doesn't work like that,” Hades sighed, tossing the hanky over his shoulder. “I mean, the only reason why Orpheus got away with that shit was because Sephy was here, and she made me. But of course, the dumbass looks behind him, and the whole thing falls to shit. Stupid motherfucker.” Hades shook his head sourly. “He had one fucking job…”

“Well, where’s this ‘Sephy’?” Henry asked. “Maybe we could talk to her.”

“ _Persephone_ is spending this half of the year with her mother.” Hades pointed at Rumple’s amused face. “Don’t give me that look, you old scallawag! I’ve seen your wife, Rumple-sugar-daddy! She’s a little cutie!”

Rumple grinned, wiggling his eyebrows. “Hell yeah, she is.”

“Okay, but saving Neal, though,” Robin said loudly. 

“Yeah, no, I told you,” Hades said, leaning back in his seat. “No can do. You can’t just waltz in here and pick him up. Doesn't work like that.”

“What if we had a soul to trade?” Regina asked shrewdly, folding her arms. “It works like that, doesn't it?”

Hades grinned, pointing a finger at her. “I like you, Lady Mills. You’ve got _sass._ ”

“Meh,” she shrugged. “I try.”

“As it so conveniently happens, it _does_ work like that,” Hades said, conjuring a nail fail and getting to work. “You can trade Neal’s soul in exchange for one of the dumb jabroni’s you’ve dragged along with you. Probably the most useless, annoying, obnoxious, waste of space—”

“Killian’s hot,” Emma sighed dreamily.

Hades flicked his eyes at her, raising an eyebrow. “Okay, so I’m assuming _she’s_ the one you mean to trade for Neal’s soul?”

“Actually, we meant to use Leroy for that,” Regina frowned. “Although…one wonders how much Emma Swan would really be missed at this point…”

Henry coughed. “ _Not that much, we should leave her here._ ” He lifted his head, raising his eyebrows as if looking for the source of the noise. “Well, who said that?”

Hades shrugged, spreading his arms. “You know what, you guys? It’s up to you, not me—though I’m personally going to recommend Blondie over there. But decide amongst yourselves, take as long as you need—just make sure you’ve got everything squared away before you leave the Underworld, okay?”

He pulled the lever on his chair without warning, dropping the floor out beneath them: their shouts echoed down the long tunnel as they fell through the air, the floor closing back up before they reached the bottom. Hades chuckled to himself, going back to filing his nails. “It never gets old.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

“Okay, but seriously, are there no stairs in the Underworld?” Henry groaned, gingerly pushing himself up. “Goddamn it…”

“Get up, Leroy,” David said, pulling the dwarf to a stand. “We need you alive.”

“Yeah, for _now,_ ” Leroy grumbled. “Until you need me to sacrifice myself for your own selfish purposes, and I _die._ ”

David clapped a hand on his shoulder, looking at him solemnly. “We’ve still got six other dwarfs after you, so we’ll be all right. Thanks for worrying though, bud, I appreciate it.”

“That’s not what I—“

“Okay, everybody!” Regina said loudly, clapping her hands. “Let’s talk strategy.”

“Why?” Snow scoffed. “Can’t we just do what we normally do and wander around aimlessly until something happens?”

“Yeah, that usually works,” David shrugged. “Remember Neverland?”

“Neverland…” Emma mused, frowning slightly. “I was _wondering_ why this felt familiar, but I get it now. Boyfriend just died, traveled to another realm…means I’m going to have to make out with some other guy ten minutes in…” Her eyes traveled around the group. “Okay, the only available guys are Robin and Leroy, so since Robin’s with Regina…”

Leroy perked up hopefully.

“…I’m going to disregard that, because he’s way hotter than Leroy, so stay close, Rob, okay?”

“Regina,” Robin warned as she stepped threateningly toward Emma. “Calm down.”

“But—she’s just _such_ a—“

“I know,” he soothed. “But we’re already in Hell, so it’s not like it can’t get much worse, can it? If Emma’s dumbassery is all we have to deal with, we’re more than prepared. We can do this.”

Regina nodded, still grimacing as she brushed the rest of the dust off her pants. “All right, let’s go,” she said, motioning for the others to follow her. “Let’s get out of this cave-thing. There’s a light up ahead—“

“Maybe it’s _Killian’s_ halo,” Leroy muttered, glaring at Emma. “Seeing as he’s such a saint.”

“You know, I wouldn't be surprised,” Emma said fondly. “He’s really a great guy, you know? He’d anything for me. He can’t live without me. I’m his entire reason for existing. That’s love.”

“Or dangerous codependency, but who am I to judge?” 

“Shut up, Leroy.”

“Hey, you know what?” Snow said suddenly. “I just realized—we don’t have an ‘Operation-Whatever’ name for this mission.”

“You’re right,” David said, coming to a stop. “Before we go any further, we need a name for this mission.”

“No. We don’t,” Henry said through clenched teeth. “I’m too old for this shit, you guys. It stopped being cute when I was ten.”

“Oh, come on, Henry!” Snow wheedled. “It’s your _thing._ You gotta have an Operation-Whatever, it’s, like, your entire personality now.”

“Is that what I’ve been reduced to?” Henry asked the ceiling. “Being the Author and everything, that’s still the best I can do?”

“Shouldn’t have snapped the pen, kiddo,” David shrugged. “I mean, I’m sure it felt noble at the time, but you realize how much trouble you could have saved us if you took five minutes to think it through?”

“I know—“

“We probably wouldn't have had to travel to Camelot at all. You could have just written the Darkness right out of Emma, and everything would have been fine.”

“It really didn't make any sense, Henry,” Rumple sighed. “I mean…nobility is great and all, but stupidity is another thing entirely.”

“Fine!” Henry flared, throwing up his arms. “Then we’ll just call it ‘Operation Henry’s Fault’! Satisfied?”

“Actually, I prefer ‘Operation Emma’s Fault’,” Robin said, raising his hand. “If she hadn't made Hook the Dark One…”

“I still don’t understand how that works,” Regina frowned. “How do you just… _split_ the Darkness?”

“Same way that you just move it into another person,” Rumple shrugged. “You just do.”

“Yeah, but how—?”

“Because magic!” he said loudly. “Now, come on, everybody, stop thinking and start moving!”

And with that, Rumple strode off, apparently their self-appointed leader. Regina shrugged and followed him; Henry trailed behind her, with Snow and David closely following. Robin took Emma’s elbow to pull her along, as she seemed especially vague at the moment, and Leroy traipsed behind them.

For a long time, they simply walked straight ahead in the very dim, very dusty space, the only sound being their footsteps trudging across the sand-scattered ground. Nobody said much, other than an occasional muttering along the lines of, “Wow, reception down here is really good”. Henry managed to hack into the Wifi, so everybody spent most of the trek with their heads bent over their phones, scrolling through Tumblr and Facebook and Twitter—keeping up with the social scene in the world above, so to speak. Even Emma was engrossed in the virtual world (thankfully, as it saved them from having to hear her sob, “Killian, I will find you” repeatedly). 

Rumple stopped abruptly, making everyone collide with each other. 

“Grandpa! Jesus!” Henry complained.

“Yeah, seriously, man, watch where you’re going!” Snow snapped.

“We’re here, bitches!” Rumple called to the rest of the group, pointing straight ahead. “Look!”

Before them was the town of Storybrooke. Except it wasn't _quite_ Storybrooke: there was a peculiar reddish-orange tinge to it, as though someone had brushed flame-colored glaze over it. Buildings were in various states of destruction, with piles of ashes and soot randomly distributed through the streets; people were walking around in close-knit groups, scurrying from place to place like anxious little creatures. 

“Someone’s clearly making a effort to irritate us,” Rumple grimaced. 

“How so?” Regina frowned.

“This is obvious social commentary,” Rumple scoffed, gesturing at it. “They—meaning, probably Hades, that judgy motherfucker—are saying we are so self-involved and arrogant, we assume even the Underworld is specifically designed for us. Like we’re a bunch of assholes.”

“We _are_ a bunch of assholes,” Snow shrugged.

“Yes, but it’s okay if _we_ say it,” Rumple said impatiently. “I don’t like anyone else doing it, though.”

“Maybe it looks different for everyone, and we’re just seeing the Underworld like this because we’re from Storybrooke,” Robin suggested.

Rumple curled his lip disdainfully. “That is so dumb.”

“Well, now what?” Henry asked. “How do we find Dad in this weird, post-apocalyptic town? Should we start checking for yellow Bugs or coffee stands or something?”

“He did love his coffee,” Rumple mused. “But I think it’ll be a bit trickier to find him than just looking. This is the Underworld, Henry—not Disney World. There’s a lot of bad shit around here, and we’re really not supposed to make it past the barriers if we’re still alive.”

“Then why did Hades let us through?” David frowned.

“If it wasn't for me, he probably wouldn't have even given us an audience,” Rumple shrugged. “I’ve been practicing Dark Magic for centuries, we’ve had the occasion to grab a lunch a few times over the years. As such—who knows? Maybe he’s in a good mood today. Maybe he just wanted a chance to show off.” He waved his hand irritably at _Hellbrooke,_ which seemed a more appropriate name. “The point is, he gave us his blessing to go through and find Neal, if we can figure it out. Now I don’t have a lot of confidence in _your_ abilities, but I think if there’s one thing I’m good at it, it’s finding my son. So if you don't mind, I’m going to break up the tea party, and get to it.”

Rumple flashed them all a sarcastic smile, and spun off toward the town without a second glance. They all stared in awe for a minute, very much aware they just got their asses handed to them.

“He did that in Neverland, too,” Snow said numbly. “Are these his motivational speeches?”

“Rumple doesn't give motivational speeches,” Regina said bitterly. “He tries to crush your spirit routinely. The only way out of it, is to learn whatever it is he’s trying to teach you.”

“I should try that on my fourth-graders,” Snow reflected. “None of those little shits will ever come complaining about fractions again, that’s for damn sure.”

“Make a mental note, and let’s go,” Henry said shortly. “I want to find my dad and get out of here.”

After a general muttering of agreement, everyone gathered themselves and followed Henry. Rumple was still a ways ahead of them, but Henry set a brisk enough pace that by the time they were in the town square, they were all caught up. 

The clock tower chimed superfluously, as the hands were frozen on 8:15—probably just to remind them it was there. Nevertheless, everyone felt obliged to turn and look at it.

“Again with this bullshit?” Regina grimaced. 

“So over the clock-thing,” Snow agreed, shaking her head. 

“What clock thing?” David frowned. “I don’t remember a clock-thing.”

“Well, you wouldn’t,” Henry said. “You were in the coma when time was frozen. But when Emma agreed to stay in Storybrooke, it started moving again. Because she was already breaking the curse, just by having the balls to stay and keep an eye on her son until she was sure he was safe.” He got a little misty-eyed, and blinked rapidly. “I-I miss that Emma.”

Rumple looked at him sadly, and reached out hesitantly to put his hand on Henry’s shoulder. “I miss her, too, lad,” he said. “I respected that Emma Swan. She was a true hero.”

“We hated each other, but I still admired her nerve,” Regina sighed, putting her hands on her hips. “It was almost inspiring, how much of a pain in my ass she was.”

“Why are you all talking about me like I’m dead?” Emma frowned. “I’m right here!”

Everyone turned, giving her an incredulous look. Emma took a step back, startled.

“What?” she asked, looking around with wide eyes.

“I don’t know _who_ you are exactly, but it’s not Emma Swan,” Snow said icily. “Emma Swan would never recruit her family to venture into the land of the dead and potentially sacrifice them to save her boytoy. Emma Swan would never turn someone into the Dark One—”

“Who specifically requested _not_ to be turned into the Dark One because he knew that at the root of his soul he was an evil motherfucker who was going to destroy everyone anyway,” Rumple chimed in.

“—yes, thank you, Rumple.” Snow turned back to Emma with folded arms. “Executive decision: we get to grieve the person you used to be, and you get to shut up and not interfere on our misery.”

“I second the motion,” David said immediately, holding up his hand.

“All in favor, say ‘Aye’!” 

There was a chorus of “ _Aye!_ ” Snow nodded in satisfaction.

“The ayes have it,” she declared. “Emma, shut up. Everyone else, keep following Rumple. I don’t know where we’re going.”

“That reminds me—do we have a plan?” Robin asked worriedly. “Once we find Neal, how do we get out of here?”

“Actually, it’s pronounced ‘Killian’,” Emma piped up, which earned her an angry chorus of, _“SHUT. UP.”_

 _“_ I have a motion,” Rumple growled, throwing a very ugly look at Emma. “Can we make it a rule to never  say the ‘K-word’ again? I didn't bring my antacid pills.”

“I second the motion,” Henry said immediately. “All in favor?”

Another chorus of  “ _Aye!”,_ and Rumple gave a satisfied nod. 

“The ayes have it,” he said. “Anyone who uses the ‘K-word’ from now on will be publicly flogged, and then executed.”

On that decisive note, he turned on his heel. The Underworld, or Hellbrooke (all right, all right, _Orange Storybrooke_ ) waited for them, teeming with spirits of their past and bad lighting.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

“Wow. You look like shit.”

Killian cracked an eye open, blearily looking around the dim, cave-like room. Stalactites hovered threateningly over their heads, and the _drip-drip-drip_ of the trickling water echoed against the walls. A small shaft of light broke the darkness, revealing a pretty, but extremely bored-looking girl across from him. She lifted her eyebrows, and jutted her chin at him by way of greeting. 

“How you feeling?” she asked. “‘Cause you look like shit.”

Killian grimaced in pain: his bones ached, as though he’d just been thrown against a brick wall; a thin line of blood trickled down his face from a still-stinging wound; and he could still feel the hole gouged into his side, where Emma had stabbed him.

“Where the bloody hell are we?” he asked. “Last thing I remember is Hades, and he pulled a lever and—”

“Oh, that’s just the lobby,” she said offhandedly. “We’re officially in Hell now. Tartarus, if you want to be technical.”

“Tartarus.” Killian gritted his teeth and tried to push himself to a stand. The girl watched with half-lidded eyes as he struggled to gain control of his wobbly legs.

“Whatcha doing?” she asked in a sarcastic, sing-song voice. 

“What does it look like?” he said. “I’m getting out of here.”

“Oh, okay.” She rolled her eyes. 

Killian winced, and stretched out a hand. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go.”

The girl smiled patronizingly. “Okay. I’ll play.” She took his hand, getting up with a little bounce in her step. “Lead the way, sweetheart.”

He looked around, squinting through the darkness. Now that he stopped to consider it…there really didn't seem to be a way out. His surroundings seemed to be composed entirely of rock and sinister cave rumblings. It was a relatively small space, so there was little hope for secret escape tunnels; there were only great chunks of rock and stone, nothing he could dislodge; and the fact that this was _Tartarus—_ as in, the deepest circle of Hell—was slowly dawning on him. 

“I may not have thought this through,” he frowned. 

“Oh, really?” the girl smirked. “I’m shocked.”

 _“_ Excuse me, but what the hell is your problem?” Killian snapped, turning round on the girl. “I am trying to rescue you, and all you’ve done is take the mickey out of me! A little common decency would be nice!”

“Common decency? All righty, then.” The girl flashed a smile at him, and stuck out her hand. “I’m Megara, but my friends call me ‘Meg’—at least, they would, if I had any friends. _So—_ ” she retracted her hand before he could shake it—“I’m going to take a wild guess here, and say…” Her hand found his hook, drawing it up to eye level. “You’re Captain Hook.”

“Those days are behind me,” Killian said as he wrenched his hook away from her. “I go by ‘Killian’ now.”

“You—?” Meg coughed, choking back a laugh. “Sorry, that’s just a… _wow,_ that’s a pretentious name.”

“It’s a family name,” Killian frowned defensively. 

“Get a different family, sweetheart,” Meg advised. “This one’s not doing you any favors.”

Killian stepped back as she started to circle him, following her with his eyes as she considered him from all sides. “What are you doing?” he asked warily.

“Trying to assess the damages,” she said, tugging his collar to look at the scar Arthur had given him. She sucked in a breath. “ _Ouch—_ how’d that happen?”

“Excalibur,” he said shortly. “Left a mortal wound. Should’ve killed me, but Emma brought me back.” He caught her hand sharply, giving her a determined look. “Just as she will again.”

Meg lifted her eyebrows. “And Emma is…?”

“My True Love,” he said promptly. “The Savior.”

“Savior of what?”

Killian opened his mouth—then stopped, realizing that he didn't _quite_ know how to answer that. “Er…” He scratched the back of his head. “She saves, uh—she saves…um…”

“How inspiring,” Meg said dryly. “So, you’re a pirate captain who’s no longer a pirate, and she’s a savior who doesn't save.”

“She’s saved her kingdom!” Killian argued. “Multiple times! When Pan was terrorizing the town, she…well, she didn't do much, admittedly, that was more Rumplestiltskin. But when _Zelena_ was terrorizing the town—no, hang on…that one was Neal and Regina.” He frowned, twitching his mouth to the side. “Hmm. The Queens of Darkness just kind of lost interest…The Snow Queen defeated herself…Snow killed Cora, Greg and Tamara actually got one up on her before the Lost Boys did them in…I don’t even _know_ what happened to Arthur and Guinevere…”

“So, what I’m hearing is—” Meg  laughed, spreading her hands—“she’s fucking useless.”

“No, she’s not!” Killian objected, even as a small voice in his head said, _Wow, she’s fucking useless._  

“Look, I’m sure her intentions are good, but if she thinks she’s going to rescue you from death, she’s high.” Meg dropped her hands, and went back to her perch by the wall; she sat down with a heavy exhale, her smile faded now. “You’ll get used to it, sweetheart. Don’t worry.”

Killian frowned, cautiously stepping toward her. “Used to…what?”

“Think you’re the only one who was going to be rescued?” Meg smiled bitterly. “My boyfriend was a demigod. He was going to invade the Underworld, defeat Hades, and bring me back to life, so we could be together for the rest of eternity.”

“And what happened?” Killian asked quietly.

“How the fuck should I know?” she shrugged. “I’ve been down here since I died, I don’t what’s going on out there.” She picked at a loose thread, feigning nonchalance. “It’s okay, though. Got a lot of thinking done down here. Lotta self-discovery.”

Killian sat down; intrigued, despite himself.”What did you discover?”

“That men suck, and I deserved better,” Meg said flatly. 

“Oh.”

“That love is a lie, and I was a fucking moron for believing in it for those two minutes that I actually believed in it.”

“I see.”

“And that staring at a wall and brooding on the injustice of the universe is the actual worst.”

“ _Fuck._ ” Killian exhaled, his head dropping back as he stared miserably at the ceiling. “I’m going to end up just like you, aren't I?”

“Well, at least you’ve got some company,” Meg pointed out. “I’ve been by myself for ages. Talking to myself, arguing with the wall…It’ll be nice to have someone to make fun of.”

“Fantastic.”

“This is going to be _so_ much fun,” she smiled dryly. “Me wallowing my misery…you wallowing in your tears…”

“What a pair we are,” Killian sighed. “It’s a match made in Hell.”

Meg’s smile flickered. “Do me a favor, sweetheart?”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t make jokes. You’re not good at it. Just…sit there and look pretty, okay?”

“…’Kay.”


End file.
